Samantha Marie

Life Lessons from Fiction: Freeing Yourself

Friday, January 13, 2012 / Comments (3)

“Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.”
- He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)

Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

I’m not going to lie, emotionally – it’s taken me a long time to get where I am. I’ve had incredibly bad luck with men over the past few years and to be honest, I’m not sure who is at fault anymore. Sure, every situation is different but that doesn’t mean I react differently and adapt to each which can mean I am just as much to blame for these failures. While another person’s actions and how they treat me may not be my fault, I’d be stupid to think that my blatant hatred (okay more like dislike) of myself didn’t play a part in some way. Personally, I feel that low self-esteem makes a person vulnerable which I believe is why I let some of these men into my life in the first place. Had I felt I was worth more, maybe I wouldn’t have let someone make me feel like I was worth/deserved less. I seem to be naturally drawn to men that I know will hurt me, or maybe they’re drawn to me. I shouldn’t feel like I have to settle for a man that has no issue with cheating on me. That’s not what I want, nor do I want a man who is willing to cheat on his girlfriend with me. I don’t want to feel like it’s okay to be some one’s second choice because their first didn’t work out, knowing that if the opportunity arises and their first choice suddenly wants them – they’ll drop me as fast as they possible can. Sadly, most of the men that have shown “interest” in me are in one of those categories. While I don’t feel like I deserve it, that’s the reality that I have to live with. Maybe there’s signs I’ve missed along the way that were spelled out clear as day but I chose to ignore. All I know is that every single time, I’m left to pick up the pieces of what I’ve allowed someone to so easily break.

I’ve been so focused on making things work with people that I shouldn’t try with. Like the quote says, maybe the happy ending doesn’t include a guy. I’m letting go of any emotional baggage I’m carrying, it was getting too heavy anyway. Grudges? No thanks, I’m moving on. Whatever happens from here on out will be dealt with accordingly. I’ll no longer go into things expecting the worst; I’m going to start expecting the best and adopting a more optimistic way of thinking. It may not be easy to completely change the way I look at things but if I just take it day by day in baby steps, the hope is that it’ll get easier as time goes on. It’s too easy to tell whether or not my happy ending will include a guy, I’m only 23 and I’ve seen/experienced so little. It would be naive of me to think that finding me soul mate (although that’s not something I generally believe in) would happen when I want it to happen, even more naive of me to think that I’d be ready for something like that to happen right now. The best thing I can do is to focus on myself. The more time I spend learning to love myself, improve myself, build self confidence/esteem, the better off I will be in the long run. The past is officially in the past.

{it’s no secret that I was raised by every form of fiction – be it television, film, or literature, I make no effort to hide that a lot of my feelings and actions, even today, are dictated by what I see and read. These are probably the most personal posts I will ever have on my blog as they are an evaluation of life how I see it and how I feel. Sometimes comments will be disabled. Life Lessons from Fiction is a running series on this blog – to see more of the series click here}

Tonight.

Saturday, December 31, 2011 / Comments (2)

Tonight is the last night of 2011. I try not to make real resolutions, I just don’t see the point. Personally, I either forget or give up. Looking back, I can say I’ve had a good year. I got close with people I’ve only been acquainted with in the past. I’ve changed in ways that I can be proud of while staying the same in some ways that I’m not exactly happy with. I think I know myself well enough to know what I would and would not do. I can say I’ll work on myself in 2012, but I probably wont. I probably wont work hard to lose weight, become more social or anything else life changing.

So rather than make resolutions for an entire year, I’ll just take it day by day and live life the best I can – while I can. I don’t want to live my life next year trying to live up to some unrealistic expectations I set for myself just because it’s customary to do so at the end of the previous. I’ll just try to make each day better than the last, if I have a bad day – so what? There’s probably another one tomorrow, kind of like a do-over. So, taking it day by day, tonight I will not be going out. I’m not going to get wasted and puke on a sidewalk. I’m not going to kiss a stranger at midnight. As much fun as it could be to be with my friends, I’m enjoying my family. I could be doing anything in the world right now but I think I made the right choice.

My only resolution? More like advice to myself .. via fortune cookie. Doesn’t really seem like a fortune though… (Sorry for the iphone pic!)

short post but *shrugs*

Life Lessons from Fiction: When to Say “When”

Wednesday, November 16, 2011 / Comments (10)

(image from Google images)

Every once in a while you’ll reach a point where everything becomes clear, even for a moment, and you relate to something. For me, this revelation always comes when I’m reading a book, or watching a television show or movie. I believe that’s why most people write and why they act, the hope that one day their work will touch someone and help them in some kind of way. Maybe it’s a little self-centered of me (as is this entire blog) but I believe that I am that person all of these things are targeted toward. Introverted, shy, loner, and those parts of me that wants to feel like I’m not alone in whatever I’m thinking or feeling.

“We don’t say “when” because there’s something about the possibility of more. More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better.

There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say “when.” I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual… and depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes, all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless. And all we want… is more.” – Grey’s Anatomy, Season 2, Episode 2 – Enough is Enough (No more tears)

More.

How does this apply to me? It does in more ways than I’m willing to admit to myself -and I know that I should. More often than not, nothing is enough for me. I don’t know how to say “when”. It’s not something I’m proud of but I don’t believe it’s something I’m alone on. Oddly enough, as someone who strives for minimalism, more is still always better for me and I’m trying to break myself out of that habit. I’d like to apply minimalism to every tangible aspect of my life but should I apply it to the more personal aspects as well? Do I really have enough? Of everything? It’s not always a bad thing to want more but often, it makes me come off as selfish. I’ll be the first to admit, I can be incredibly selfish. Followers on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram? I want more. Comments on my blog? More please. Makeup? More. Shoes? More. Coffee? Lol yeah I need more. Gadgets? Movies? .. Time? But do I really need more of anything? In the long run – do any of these things matter? No. I should be content right? I should be content that I already have more than I need of almost everything. More love? I have amazing friends that not only tell me they love me daily, but show me. I have family that love me regardless of what I say or do. Should that be enough? Do I really need the love of strangers? Do I need a significant other to feel like I have enough love? Even if I had that – would it be enough or would I constantly be yearning for more? I need to learn to say that’s enough and I’m content. Not just content, but happy. The fact that I’m not content with the amount of love in my life makes me feel that I’m downplaying my friends and family and I don’t want to feel like they’re not supplying me with sufficient love. I would hate for them to feel that way and I hate that I feel that way. I shouldn’t be looking for more love or more validation for anyone.

I’ve always been a glass half-empty kind of girl. Not because I’m necessarily pessimistic, although I can be, I’d always rather have a full glass. Why can’t I have it all? Sure it doesn’t have to be all or nothing but should I really settle for having less than I want? Why can’t I have more than it all? Why can’t I have extra? Obviously, I’m not perfect, I’d never claim to be, and I’m not trying to be perfect. I’d just like to be the best me possible and if I’m always wanting more, more, more I think it’s impossible to actually be happy. I can’t be the best me possible unless I’m happy and content with how things are and what I have. Life is so short and I’m sure that I’m wasting too much of it focusing on getting “more” rather than just enjoying what I have rather it be material or intangible. Why should I continue wasting whatever time I have left on earth wallowing in self-pity because I don’t believe it’s possible to have enough? I should enjoy my time, enjoy my things, enjoy my friends and family, enjoy my life. I think the only thing I absolutely need more of to be happy is self love which is probably the only thing I never work on getting more of and I’ve said “when” way too soon. I should love myself more – physically, emotionally, mentally. Why have I said “when” to myself when I should have wanted more? I should want more of things that matter! I’ve been wanting more of all the wrong things and settling for a half-filled shot glass of all the things I really need.

(I’m overusing words like “me” and “I” because this is how I apply lessons to myself – I don’t want to say “we” or “people” because implies that I’m not taking responsibility for myself, actions, or thoughts – just in case you were wondering)

{it’s no secret that I was raised by every form of fiction – be it television, film, or literature, I make no effort to hide that a lot of my feelings and actions, even today, are dictated by what I see and read. These are probably the most personal posts I will ever have on my blog as they are an evaluation of life how I see it and how I feel. Sometimes comments will be disabled. Life Lessons from Fiction is a running series on this blog – to see more of the series click here}

Current Skincare Regimen – Simple.

Thursday, November 3, 2011 / Comments (8)

I’ve done a few of these posts before even though I really try not to change my skin care up too much. Lately my skin has been pretty clear *knock on wood* so I’m happy. For those that don’t know, I have pretty oily/acne-prone skin. I could think about a pimple one day and then wake up with a massive breakout. Granted, I do forget to take my vitamins pretty frequently and I don’t drink enough water (I’m working on it!) and I think that if I manage to get those things together – my skin might be EVEN better but I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t feel like I need foundation. Actually, I rarely wear foundation now. Sometimes I wear a tinted moisturizer if I’m going out but those are pretty sheer and don’t provide much coverage at all. Now I just need to focus on drinking more water because I know that helps too…

1. Olay Pro-X Brush – this thing is fantastic. I use this at night in the shower with my cleanser and it helps me get my face so clean and soft. I’ve been using this for 3 months now and have yet to have to change the battery which is awesome as well although I have had to replace the brush head a few times but that’s just me being hygienic. I wanted the Clarisonic but this olay one was $25 and the Clarisonic one? over $150.
2. Burt’s Bees Soap Bark & Chamomile Deep Cleansing Cream – Just a basic cleanser, makes my face tingle a little, all natural. No special acne medication in there, not drying, doesn’t really do anything but clean my face really well and really, how much else do I need?
3. Burt’s Bees Acne Solutions Moisturizing Lotion – I switched from The Body Shop’s aloe vera moisturizer to this one because, even though my face wasn’t breaking out much, I was still getting little bumps here and there but after almost three weeks of using this, my skin has been in tip top shape.
4. Bye-Bye Blemish – hey, I get pretty nasty looking bumps on my face sometimes. I blame stress! This is sulfur based, which I find works better for me than most topical zit creams, so I just put it on a q-tip before I go to sleep then when I wake up, there’s typically a dramatic difference.
5. Thayer’s Witch Hazel with Aloe Vera Astringent Pads – I generally use these in the morning (instead of using a cleanser) and follow up with a moisturizer because they’re so easy to use and I never feel like my skin needs a deep cleanse in the mornings but sometimes I use this after I remove my makeup (if it’s late at night)
6. Ponds Deep Cleansing Makeup Remover – Most days I don’t wear makeup but when I do, where do I turn to take it all off? Good ol’ fashioned Ponds! No water necessary! If it’s late at night I wipe it off with a paper towel (much easier imo) and follow with the witch hazel. I find it manages to get practically everything off – not like I wear much anyway but for gel eyeliner, it’s fantastic and doesn’t irritate my eyes at all.

Honorable mention:

7. Aztec Healing Clay Mask – I rarely use this anymore, not sure if it’s because I don’t have the time or because I don’t need it as much as I used to although I do owe this stuff a lot for helping me get my skin under control but considering how I haven’t used it in almost two months – I can’t really include it. It’s just a clay powder that you mix with apple cider vinegar to create an amazing mask. Hmm, I kind of want to go use it now!

These are just things that have been working for me. They may not work for anyone else, they may not work for me forever but all I know is that they’re working now and have been working for a few months so I’m ecstatic about that. I’d like to try a Manuka honey cleanser or serum soon as well but there’s so many out there it’s difficult to choose.

Face Painting

Tuesday, October 11, 2011 / Comments (0)

So on Friday, my friends let me paint their faces! It was so much fun. We met up over An’s house (@_andukes) and she made us mini egg rolls and mini tacos which were super yummy and thennn I got to paint faces! I really wanted to make Voldemort’s face but his nose, or lack thereof, made me scratch that idea completely. I pretty much winged it with everything, it was my first time ever painting faces but I think I did a pretty good job. I couldn’t paint Sandra’s face because she was going to a party later that night so I just did her makeup for that which was super fun too. If you don’t know Sandra, she’s a makeup artist so it was kind of intimating to do her makeup. I got her some false lashes but they were ULTRA dramatic. I tried to cut them and they were STILL too dramatic especially considering Sandra’s natural lashes are extremely long and dramatic on their own lol Oh well. Another time. I tried to reference some pictures but I’m not very good at that. Oh and why is scar putty so difficult?!? I tried to do the Joker’s mouth scars and they were super difficult – I gave up lol